Dear Dragony Aunt
by WhoNeedsReality
Summary: After Kilgarrah has his ability to give advice questioned by an irritated young Warlock, he sets out to prove himself... By becoming an agony aunt for "The Camelot Herald!" With all the drama in the lives of our favourite characters, he's up to his wings in advice... New character each update, R&R! Chapter 12 now up! Please review, and tell me who you want to see write in next!
1. Prologue

**AN: This idea just wandered into my head, so please R&R!**

"What do I do, Kilgarrah?" Merlin cried. Tears tracks stained his pale face, and his baleful bdue eyes stared beseechingly up at the dragon. "Arthur- my best friend, the other side of my coin- he's dying! I need help, _please_!"

The Great Dragon regarded the Dragonlord carefully with old, brown eyes. _Poor, miserable child_, he thought, _he'd be happy if just accepted he was in love with Arthur. Until then... _Kilgarrah smirked inwardly. "I am sorry, young warlock, but there is no answer to your problem."

"What?" yelled Merlin, "no, there has to be!"

_Love, _thought Kilgarrah, _young love_.

"The only way to solve your problem is to answer this question..."

"Yes!?" Merlin looked delighted, his eyes brightened.

Kilgarrah smirked inwardly. _He _so _fancies Arthur! _Well, he wasn't going to help the Warlock until he realised that. "Answer this question, young Warlock," he boomed, Merlin leaning forward eagerly, "why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"KILGARRAH!" Merlin yelled. The dragon blinked innocently. "You know, I've had enough of you!"

"What do you mean?" the Dragon roared.

"I always come to you for help! And you- you always fail me with your _useless, _cryptic advice!"

"Useless!" boomed the Dragon, as the Warlock stormed angrily away, "cryptic! I give _wonderful_ advice, I just choose not to give it to you!" but Merlin had stormed off, finding his own way to save Arthur.

_Well, if the warlock doesn't believe me_, thought Kilgarrah, _I'll prove it to him_. The dragon reached for a cutting from that mornig's '_Camelot Herald_,' which read: AGONY AUNT WANTED. Taking his oversized quill carefully between his teeth, he filled out the application form, and flew to fulfill his own destiny as Camelot's new Agony Aunt.


	2. Merlin

AN: So, our favourite young Warlock is the first writeanonymous agony dragon. Remember, though, the good people lf Camelot are unaware that the new agony aunt is none other than Kilgarrah... The Great Slash Dragon.

Dear Dragon,

I am the manservant to King Arthur, but I have a secret that I need to keep, but this secret basically involves me saving his royal backside a lot. I have taken daggers, poisons, beatings, battles, curses, kidnappings and sessions in the stocks, all to protect his fat derrière, but I get no credit whatsoever from his royal Dollop-head. I don't want that much recognition, because like I said earlier, I have a secret to keep, but a simple THANK YOU would suffice! He is arrogant toad- please help me understand why he is such an idiot and how to fix it!

Yours desperately,

Merlin

* * *

Dear Merlin,

I understand your predicament completely. You and Arthur are in love! Arthur is clearly hiding his feelings for you by acting gruff and cold, and you are experiencing jealousy. The only solution is for you two to take a romantic picnic by the lake of Avalon, express your true feelings for each other, get married and adopt three kids. Remember, you are two sides of the same coin... I mean two prongs of the same craving fork! Anyway, I suggest you express your love as soon as possible, so that Camelot may see a Royal Wedding, come the summer!

Wedding Wishes,

The Agony Dragon

So, guys, I hope you liked the first letter! I'm not a slash-shipper myself, but this is the Great Slash Dragon. By the way, Kilgarrah does not want the people of Camelot to know who he is, which is why he corrected his "two sides of the same coin" catchphrase. Which character should write in next! Drop your vote in the review section!


	3. Percival

**AN: Thank you to Eliza-pop for some great suggestions for this chapter... This letter is dedicated to her! And of course, thank you to all my other lovely reviewers!**

Dear Dragony Aunt,

I am Sir Percival, knight of Camelot, loyal friend and warrior of King Arthur. Usually, I'm the kind of bloke that complains about little and gets on with everyone. Even though I'm the biggest, I'm still the baby of the group (well, except for Merlin), and everyone loves me, but lately, I've been having a problem- too much love. See, as I've said, I'm the biggest, because I'm buff, and my biceps are the size of Arthur's head. And that's huge. Anyway, this leads to a very pressing problem. In the entire citadel, the kingdom of Camelot, in fact, all the 5 kingdoms, there is not one sleeved garment that fits me. Every time the lads and I go chainmail shopping, they always get nice, well-fitting shirts, and me? The blacksmith runs out of mail before he can make the sleeves! And I could still deal with the sleevelessness if it weren't for the women of the citadel! I can't go for a stroll without about 12 ladies throwing themselves at me. All of their dresses are far to small, and tight, so I pity them- the poor of Camelot must not have enough money for their cloth- but I can't do one patrol without women wochat fluttering her eyelashes at me! What do I do?  
Yours sleevelessly,

Percy

* * *

Dear Percy,

You poor, dear, naïve boy. Firstly, I must assure you that there is no shortage of clothing for the citizens of Camelot. One day, when you are older, I will explain these things to you. As for the sleeves, my dear, remember the golden rule- if you've got it, flaunt it! Don't hide your voluminous muscles- revel in them! If the unwanted female attention really upsets you, then I must make a suggestion. Put them off by going for the men! If you do not understand what I mean, just look at your King and his manservant! That is the kind of dynamic will show women when they aren't wanted! Just STAY AWAY FROM MERLIN AND ARTHUR! They are, ah, _reserved_ for each other. Why don't you start with Gwaine?

Yours helpfully,

Dragony Aunt (I quite like that name!)

**So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Who's next? You decide!**


	4. Gwaine

**AN: Gwaine had to be done, so here he is!**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_I'm gorgeous. Really, I am. Gorgeous and desirable. My hair is like a chestnut waterfall, the envy of Camelot, and I'm pretty buff. I have an excellent, charming, happy-go-lucky demeanour, a roguish charm I can retain even when drunk, and I'm a loyal, strong, brave knight of Camelot. You would expect that women (or men, for that matter) would be falling over my doorstep, and rushing headlong into my manly arms. So would! But since I've arrived in Camelot, I'm not striking lucky with any females! First there was Gwen, who loves Arthur, then Eira, who was an evil, traitorous, lying, scheming, gorgeous... Wait... Eh, never mind, and that girl at 'The Rising Sun,' who was only twelve, and the one at that inn who was actually a man... Hey, am I giving too many details? Anyway, I should be the most sought-after bachelor in the Kingdom! Instead, I am left alone. Why are the moment here so blind? Help?_

_Yours confused-ly,_

_Gwaine_

* * *

Dear Gwaine,

I can clearly see the problem here- you've note met the right person yet. One day, you will find someone who can overlook your narcissism, selfishness, alcoholism, womanising, callous and insensitive and identify an intelligent life-form, er, I mean, a lovely person, within you. I know you think the bachelor lifestyle is all about womanising and drinking, but there are so many other things you could do with it, like... Flower-arranging. Or knitting.

Well, I hope you find 'the one' soon, and don't be too alarmed if Percival develops... Stirrings for you... I may or may not have incited those. Then again, you may want to act on them- he's a lovely boy!

Love,

Aunt Dragony

**So, hope you enjoyed it! Who's should write in next?**


	5. Uther

**An: Sorry I haven't updated for so long, but I've been madly busy with summer holiday stuff. In other news... I MET COLIN MORGAN! I went to see him in "The Tempest," and got his autograph afterwards! *Pauses for fangirling fit* Cough cough, anyway. on with the story. In this chapter, we see Kilgarrah live up to his title of "Great Slash Dragon."**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_I command you to assist me with a recurring problem that persists within the four hundred and fifty-four walls of my castle. It is, after sorcery, the greatest menace in the five kingdoms. It is... my son's love life. Of course, I want him to settle down with a wife, but an appropriate wife- not that frizzy-haired hussy serving-girl he insists on running around with! I found one good prospective bride, but he ended it AT THE ALTAR! Then he goes and gets put under love potions for a hundred different women, and when he's lucid, follows a girl that is a commoner and feeds me jargon about love! The only person he's more attached to than Gwynn or Wynn or Winnie or whatever her name is, is that idiot manservant of his! What do i do?_

_Yours angrily,_

_King Uther Pendragon _

* * *

Dear King Uther,

Do you believe in karma? I think you should, because this is clearly karma coming back to punch you in your ugly- erm- regal face. You may remember that until very recently you kept a very nice, handsome, grand, majestic and incredibly intelligent dragon chained up in the deepest pits of your castle. This girl (who's name, by the way, is Gwen) is your punishment for torturing that poor dragon. Under normal circumstances, I would let you rot in your personal hell of watching your son throw his life and destiny away for a ridiculous serving girl, but luckily for you, I have an ulterior motive... I mean, a kind heart, yes that's it. What I suggest you do is this. First, eradicate the serving wench. Banish her, burn her at stake, lock her away- anything. Then, your broken-hearted son will seek refuge and comfort in his best friend and most trusted confidante- his lovely manservant, Merlin. I know you don't think it's ideal, but Arthur can't get _Merlin _pregnant!

Lots of hate, urm, good luck,

Dragony Aunt


	6. Gwen

**AN: I love you all, my loyal readers, your reviews are wonderful! In this chapter, we hear Gwen pour her woes out to the person (or creature) in Camelot, who, after Uther and Morgana, hates her the most...**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_I have a problem that's been weighing me down for quite some time... men. Once I got over my minor crush on Merlin, and setting aside the time Gwaine stalked me, and then after my brief thing with Lancelot, I finally settled down with my gorgeous, handsome, funny, brave, _incredibly _fit husband, King Arthur. But lately, some things about him have been getting to me. Whenever _Merlin _goes missing, Arthur rides off immediately, ready to rescue him. I on the other hand, well, just because I got a little... soft around Lancelot, the night before Arthur and I were supposed to get married, he banished me from Camelot, and then led a hunt when his new fiancée shot me in the leg since Morgana turned me into a deer. He tells Merlin all his little secrets, takes him everywhere, even "does poetry," with him according to Leon. What do I do to make him notice me?__  
_

_Queen Guinevere xxxx_

* * *

Oh Gwen,

Can't you see, he's just _not_ that into you! Why would he be? He's the king of Camelot, he has a rich and cultivated destiny ahead of him, and Merlin is the heads to his tails! They belong together, and if you can't see that, you really are as stupid as you look! here's my suggestion to you: LEAVE MERLIN AND ARTHUR ALONE! Without you they can be happy, and ride off into the sunset together etc. etc. You run along back to Lancelot, and keep him away from Merlin and do whatever you need to do! Actually, no, wait... (note to self, save Lancelot for Leon), why don't you go seek out your BFF Morgana? I mean, she may be _slightly_ changed since you last knew her, but you certainly had the chemistry! Now off you toddle.

Good riddance,

Dragony Aunt


	7. Morgana

**AN: Hello, readers! I'm getting agitated, because FanFiction keeps deleting my stuff when I try to save it! Any helpful ideas? Ah well. Anyhooo... Morgana time!**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_It's not fair! I've grown up with a horrible father, who hates magic, and has hunted my kind for years and burned them at stake. Thankfully, he's dead now, but he still left my idiot brother, that prejudiced, stupid, self-centred pig-headed, daddy's boy, Arthur, as King! To gain control of Camelot, all I need to do is bump him off, and then I will have avenged all the souls that were killed because of having magic. Now, considering I'm a high priestess of the old religion, born with magic, with powerful allies and very strong magic, and Arthur is an incompetent King who has an unhealthy attachment to his- admittedly rather gorgeous... what? No!- manservant Merlin. The guards of Camelot are all weak, half-blind idiots who couldn't defend an abandoned barnyard if their lives depended on it! Yet ever single time I try to kill him, something goes wrong. Can't anything go right in my miserable life?_

_Morgana_

* * *

Oh Morgy, Morgy, Morgy,

It's clear to see what your problem is, my dear! You're lonely! Of course, betraying your friends, making numerous attempts on your brothers life, trying to kill your best friend (who, by the way, my dear, won't even _become_ Queen- firstly, because ARTHUR BELONGS WITH MERLIN, ahem, and secondly, by marrying the king, she'd actually be Queen _Consort_), and murdering your father can have that effect on you, not to mention, leaves some very deep emotional scars. But my dear, you mustn't dwell on the past! Why not get out and get a new hobby- flower arranging, perhaps, or, embroidery, or oil painting. Or learning the harp? The other thing you must do is find that special someone to make memories with. Now Arthur's out, since that would be incestuous, Merlin's reserved for Arthur, the knights are better off with each other, and those horrible hulking evil kings and brutes you hang around with, well, they aren't much fun! Now which person did you have the most fun with? That's right! GWEN! Why don't you run on back to her, resolve your differences, and wait for something magical to happen!

Yours truly,

The Dragony Aunt xxx

P.S If you are so bent on wreaking destruction on Camelot, I recommend you don't advertise your unsavoury intentions in Camelot's best-selling newspaper!


	8. Arthur

**AN: Hey guys! Sorry this update's been so long, but it's here at last! Now, we have Arthur, who is about to have his kingly pride about to be wounded, and have a few delusions shattered ...**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_Firstly, I know you must be honoured to have the chance to advise the King of Camelot- you're welcome. Now, the problem Iv'e been facing is a matter of great annoyance. Why does every person in the realm seem hell-bent on wasting their time trying to convince me that Merlin has magic? Gwaine started it, by standing on the table at the tavern shouting: "You really are blind, princess! Merlin here's as magic as a pipe-playing pixie!" then fainting into a puddle of his own vomit. After that, Elyan muttered something about Merlin always using magic to help us on quests, Percival began spewing some nonsense about branches and rocks placing themselves a little too conveniently to be good luck, Leon was convinced Merlin's eyes glowed gold, and even Guinevere said he'd used it in front of me! Gaius rounded off by rolling his eyes when I asked him about saying it was no use keeping Merlin's secret any more because I wouldn't believe him if I saw him turning a tadpole into a tree! Honestly, Merlin is a bumbling, ridiculous fool, and I'm seriously worried about the knights and my people if they think Merlin has magic! I mean, obviously it's my superior leadership skills that have kept us alive for so long!_

_Please help, I beg- errrm- command you!_

_Arthur, King of Camelot_

* * *

Really, Arthur, really?

I've been told of your stupidity by Merlin many times, but never had I realised that he wasn't exaggerating. The boy really deserves a pay rise. But we aren't here to discuss your inferior intellect. The first step to solving your problem is understanding it. MERLIN HAS MAGIC. There, are we clear? I know we were supposed to keep it secret, but it's high time you worked it out. Face it Arthur, apart from Gwaine, maybe, all the other Knights are smarter than you, and Gwen and Gaius certainly are! The boy has magic. And as for your superior leadership skills- please! You spend most really important moments knocked out, and Merlin seizes the moment to save your royal rear. Arthur, I like you, I really do. You are, after all, the tails to Merlin's heads, and you make for some very entertaining destiny. So I will give you some advice. Accept Merlin for who he is, blah blah blah, you'll get there eventually. Then dump Gwen, ignore women, and spend some quality time with Merlin. You might finally discover the other thing everybody else knows- YOU LOVE HIM! Erm-hem. Then you two can settle down and give me some enough cute Merthur fluff to last me through the rest of my life, and you'll all live happily ever after! Oh yeah, and unite Albion or something in the middle of it all. Which is my main goal. Obviously.

Now just think on that, and then MARRY MERLIN. And legalise magic etc.

Dragony Aunt xxx


	9. Gaius

**AN: Where have all my reviewers gone? *looks frantically around, starts banging head on table screaming "WHERE!"* Nobody reviewed the last chapter. *sad violin music* Nobody loves me any more... TT_TT Ah well. Update time. PLEASE REVIEW I BEG YOU!**

_Kilgarrah, what are you doing? Yes, I know it's you. I would avoid writing to you, but I've really reached the end of my tether and need a problem solved. It'll be a miracle if you of all people solve it, but oh well. To cut to the chase, my problem is... idiots. Camelot is full of them. Arthur is too stupid to see the magic all around him, Uther's too stupid to see there is no magic where he sees it, the knights each have there own issues, Morgana's too stupid to see that if she would be nice, Arthur would probably accept magic, and that Gwen won't actually be Queen, Gwen's too stupid to see that Arthur obviously loves Merlin, and Merlin can just have some ridiculous moments of sheer idiocy! WHY? What have I done to be trapped in this hell-hole? Geoffery and I may be the last intelligent people left, and it just is not fair! What must I do to solve their stupidity and enjoy a nice, quite retirement. The south of Gaul, maybe?_

_Gaius_

* * *

Gaius, do not blow my cover! This is a persona I have worked long and hard to build. In answer to your question... well, I'll have to create a personalised solution for each person.

Uther: Set Merlin loose to show him what real magic looks like. Then burn him at stake for good measure.

Arthur: Label every form of sorcery. Not much else. Try stop him from getting knocked out.

The Knights: Knock their heads together, hard. Gwaine will be banned from ever so much as seeing alcohol.

Morgana: Scream "GWEN WILL HAVE NO POWER IDIOT!" in her face, and teach her rules of succession, and then send her to finishing school.

Gwen: KILL HER, I mean, gently point the obvious affection out to her.

Merlin: Nothing we can do there, I'm afraid. With great power comes great foolishness, at least in Camelot.

Hope that helps,

_**DRAGONY AUNT**_


	10. Agravaine

**AN: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I love you all, beautiful reviewers! You are my favourite people right now. Just a quickie, please suggest characters to write, suggestions are much appreciated! On with the story...**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_How are you this fine summer's evening? I have a slight concern that's been troubling me for a while. You may as well know- I'm evil as hell, and I've been working with Morgana for a while. Arthur's so flipping thick he could probably read this and still remain oblivious. At first, I worked with Morgana only because it suited my motives for revenge. After a while, however, I started noticing... other reasons. Her ebony tresses. Her jewel-bright eyes. Her alabaster skin. Her scarlet lips, and her shapely figure. I was very subtle in my demonstrations of affection, I can assure you, but a while ago she called me a "sick pedo." This stung, understandably- I'm not_ that _much older than her, a mere forty years! And a while later, Gwen, the serving girl knocked me out with a silver jug, because she said I was a "weird perv," and only yesterday, Merlin called me a creeper and high-tailed it out of the room. Why are they doing this? I'm a perfectly refined man!_

_Agravaine du Bois xxxx_

_P.S Are you free this weekend?_

* * *

Get the hell away from me Agravaine! I have pepper spray and flames for breath! Anyway, the truth is, you are a creepy perverted weirdo who follows around ladies young enough to be your daughters. But anyway. Disgusting as I find you, I'm paid to help, so here it goes. LEAVE MORGANA ALONE! Much as I despise her, even I wouldn't wish you upon a twenty-one-year-old. And steer clear of Gwen too. And Merlin, for that matter. Face it, the acceptable age bracket for romance is 7 years max, either side. You are 41 years older, might I point out. So just... don't. Weirdo. And by the way, why wreak revenge on Arthur for something Uther did? Uther's already dead, you imbecile.

Stay away from everyone,

Dragony Aunt


	11. Elyan

**AN: Hello, my flubbajubs. No, I haven't the foggiest what it means either. Anyway. I have also started another Merlin fic. It's called "Once Upon a Time of Magic," and it's basically fairytales that are... Merlinified. All bizarre and funny. And now, on with the story.**

**P.S Sorry if anyone finds this chapter racist, it's not meant to be offensive, and I don't think it is, but it does offend you, shoot me a PM and I'll edit it!**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_I hate the writers of Merlin. They give me nothing to do! I mean, I get three big moments- Arthur swoops in to save me and Gwen from some tower, Arthur manages to save e from being possessed by an eleven-year-old, and I swoop in to save Gwen. And die. And the rest of the time, I'm jus there! I mean Merlin and Arthur get all the love, Lancelot's all "romantic knight-in-shining-armour," Leon's the longest serving undying one, Gwaine gets to be awesome hilarious drunk guy, Percival's the gentle giant, Mordred's got his whole "mysterious dark side" act, and me? What am I? The black guy, huh? Gwen's brother who's just sort of there? I want my own personality. _

_Sir Elyan the White (really BBC... of all the Knights you could have made me, you went with this? Bigots.)_

* * *

Oh Elly, Elly, Elly, you poor dear.

I'm going to tell you something now that you might find hard to accept, but accept it you must. You are... a filler character. The BBC needs to keep everyone happy, and soon enough someone was going to notice that the only non-white character was your sister, who spends most of her time as a pathetic, Arthur-hogging, relationship-ruining, perpetually whining (too much?) damsel in distress. They needed to have a representation of a _cool_ non-white character. Sadly, everyone found Gwaine more interesting, and you got bumped down into the pointlessly mundane role you hold. Now here's my suggestion. _Pizzazz_. Do something spectacular, that nobody sees coming... KILL GWEN. Now here me out here, listen. If you kill your sister, nobody will ever question your relevance again! You'll be at the center of mystery, intrigue... people will post tumblr confessions about you! Write fanfictions about you! And I'll be rid of Gwen.

Best of Luck,

Dragony xxx


	12. Leon

**AN: SQUEE! Reviewers are awesome! Sorry it's been so long since the last update, life's been hectic. Please keep suggesting characters you want next!**

_Dear Dragony Aunt,_

_I think you'll find my problem is rather peculiar, and I'd appreciate a little advice. During my time as a knight, I've noticed I seem to have incredible good luck in battle. At first, nobody really noticed, but it's becoming increasingly clear. So clear, in fact that they are taking my injuries and ailments as jokes. If a spear is driven through Gwaine's stomach, everybody panics and runs around trying to heal him. However, if the same thing happens to me, someone will shrug and say: "Well, we know you Leon, you'll be up and raring to go in a bit!" It's quite hurtful- even if it is true. Sir Bedevere died taking an arrow for Arthur last year, and he was honoured as a hero. I took an arrow for Arthur last month and I was pegged as a showoff. Life's not fair, Dragon Aunt, and I can't take it any more. I never thought I'd say this but WHY THE HELL CAN'T I DIE ALREADY! Or at least be seriously injured? The one time I came close to dying, those druids resurrected me with that bloody cup! I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'm beginning to wish I was dead so I could just be appreciated for once. It's hard not being taken for granted when nothing can harm me in the slightest! Even Percival, who's basically invulnerable, took an arrow to the knee that nearly lamed him! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?_

_Yours, frustrated and invulnerable,_

_Sir Leon_

* * *

Hello Leon,

Honestly, you'd think more people would be grateful that they couldn't die! But no, you find something to complain about. Really, sometimes I wonder if the best advice I can give is just to stop with the whining and be grateful! Anyway, if you must know the reason for your so-called "problem," we'll have to go back to the day of your third birthday. You were everything a little boy should be, toddling around the citadel, when you stumbled upon dear old Gaius' chambers. When the old man turned away, you snatched one of his potions and chugged the whole lot down. Gaius looked mildly concerned, and said you had taken a potion of invulnerability, drawn from the waters of the River Styx itself. Since that day, not a hair on your head has sustained so much as a bruise. If you want credit and appreciate, I suggest you feign your death for a year, and go off on holiday someplace nice- the south of Gaul, maybe?- and wait whilst Camelot mourns the loss of their loyalest warrior. Oh, and make Gwaine disappear, because frankly, he overshadows the lot of you.

Other than that, try turning your talents to something useful, like rescuing children from burning buildings.

Yours,

Dragony Aunt


End file.
